Okay Guys !
Its been forever since Ive come on here and made a post . Somehow I have managed to ditch everything except IG . I just honestly dont have time in my personal life to come on here to blog or do youtube videos . In a perfect world I would be able to manage both , but for right now please do not expect anything on a schedule because I cannot promise you that . I did however want to come on here to talk to you guys a little bit about something more personal in my life .
for the last few years I have been single . VERY single. LOL and I've always played it off as if I was content with that . Which in a way I am . I like being able to build and prosper without the assistance of another man. Not saying that it wouldn't be nice to have someone but my aim is bigger then aspiring to be great for a man . I dont know how to say this without getting TOO personal . & I value my privacy too much to be too exposed haha . But anyways , I was seeing this guy in NY . . . we had went to school together in the past . one thing led to another and we began casually "hooking" up . he is everything I like in a man . from the way he looks down to how he thinks about things . he's strong. probably one of the strongest people i know . theres just one thing ...... hes DL . for those of you who dont know what that means . its " down low" = Not open about sexuality . which makes his demeanor very secret and private . which for me was fine at the time . I was excited about the thrill. getting to know him was my main goal . the rest would come eventually ( or so i thought ) so I jumped into it without thinking about what it would do to my emotions . We saw each other as often as schedules allowed , I was busy making a dream work and he was busy providing for his family ( he is not married guys ) LOL. the problem with giving him my body was that my spirit was drifting towards his and as much as his body accepted mines . his heart and mind were not on the same page . I could feel it . Needless to say I didn't care , or at least thats what I would tell myself . the sex was amazing . he engaged all the right parts , Physically . But mentally and spiritually I was EMPTY . we would never talk about the future , because there wasn't one . And here I was , In love and I didn't didn't even know where it came from . I loved a man , hoping that maybe I was good enough , Or that I could change how he felt about me . When the truth was , That I turned a casual "hookup" into a secret love affair that only one player was playing , and losing . since then I have "moved along" never speaking a word to him about it . I mean how would I sound telling a guy that I casually "Hooked Up" with that I loved him ? How could I tell a man , that I barely spoke to , That I prayed for him along with the rest of my loved ones, or that I worried about his safety whenever I would see him going out on IG .
How do you let go ? Seeing that there is no chance of us ever being anything , how do you distance your self from a force , that in another world and time would be something magical? These are the questions that I ask myself when im alone . the questions that he will never hear . or the proclamation that he will never read .
and you know why? Because , even though I have just bared something so personal with you , I refuse to let this haunt me for another day. I refuse to sit here and be weakened by another man . ESP , one that doesnt feel the same way or even know that I ache for him late in the evenings . We have to remember ourselves and cherish the light that we carry . So many times ill read comments from you guys saying such beautiful things . and Ill think " im just as human as you ". wishing I could write you some of my deepest thoughts, But out of fear Never saying anything but "Thank you" . But I just want you to know , That in life you will be dissapointed , Often. You just have to pick back up and live . Even if the next day seems impossible .
and with this I leave you with love ,
Hoping that you will see how hard I feel and love , And that it will inspire you to love endlessly . but better , love when love is given .
Yours ,
Aiden .
